Monday, November 16, 2009

What We Do, Who We Are

Three weeks into unemployment, I have come to realize how much I am defined by what I do. In these days of grad school applications and leisurely cooking and reading, I find myself feeling anxious sometimes, peaceful some other times and questioning most of the time. Without a job, without that filler of most of daily activity, what am I?

It is a challenging question with which to wrestle. I am trying to just let things be, but sometimes I get to myself, paranoid about cash flow and doubtful of the future. While the job I choose should ultimately be fulfilling and worthwhile since I would spend most of my waking hours doing said job, who I am is also something separate from that job. I'm not sure if it's the Internet age we live in or the rally to productivity that seems to always be broadcasting inside me, but I feel like I can take action and commandeer my life.

And if I step back and look at myself, my emotional ups and downs, my moments of peace at letting things slide and my moments of anxiety at wanting to make things happen, I can only smile. I've seen it all before, and one day I'll find a way out of the cyclical process. Even more likely, every now and then I'll have a moment of clarity and be happy with the spot just where I am, what I am doing and who I am.

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