Monday, November 09, 2009

On Expectations and Unemployment

On my last day of work two weeks ago, I was full of confidence, on the edge of unemployment, filled with a mix of anxiety, fear, hope and determination. I had decided not to renew my contract because, ever since the very instructive and very difficult flop of Career Discovery, I have started to ask myself more pointedly what I want and where I am headed. Instead of shrugging and saying I dunno, I've realized that on some level, I DO know. So stop beating about the bush. Anyways, I digress. On my last day of work, I thought it was over, clean cut, move on, get a job, new experience. But much like everything else in life, nothing is as clear cut as we would like it to be.

While I thought I was leaving my job forever, by the end of the day I was thrown a curve ball and it was established that I would be staying on, on a more casual basis, coming in when help was needed. But what of my clean break? What of my absolute freedom? All in your head Stefan, all in your head. I cannot tell you how much of a loop the lack of finality threw me on. I am still learning to deal with what life throws me, still processing the unexpected turns. I had to find my own sense of finality and realize that the casual extension of the contract was more of a safety net and also a measure of how much my work was valued.

On to unemployment. By the end of week 1, I had a phone interview and had applications in for jobs for which I thought I was very qualified. The hopeful feeling persisted.

But then the waiting stretched out. Week 2 definitely felt like it dragged on. I knew I would be hearing answers from the jobs within that week but had to find ways to feel useful and occupied. I devoured books, extended my morning solo yoga practices, went to yoga classes and tried to meet up with friends here and there. After a while with so much time, you start to go a little nuts. Or I do. There's only so much TV I can watch.

I like to feel useful and engaged. I like projects. I want to write, I want to be connected to art, I want to be on some sort of creative frontier... I know that eventually I will tap into a job that will honour my skills and strengths, but those sorts of jobs don't just plop into your lap. So for now, I'm just trying to live in the now, soak in the reams of time that I have, do a few things, and see what life has in store...

5 comments:

MAISON CHAPLIN said...

Good luck for your future ;) !
Come check the new stunning posts ^^

@ MaisonChaplin.blogspot.com

MAISON CHAPLIN said...

I saw that interview too, and maybe I'll post about it soon.. ;)

@ MaisonChaplin.blogspot.com

annemarie said...

your future says SEE YOU SOON!

all of your blogging adventures are awesome --- are you becoming a professional culture pundit/maven/commentator/illuminator? i love Strike a Pose, by the way --- why have you been KEEPING IT A SECRET FROM THE WORLD? :)

Stefan said...

Annemarie, I think it just may be time to break the news on the other side of my blogging life...

I SO want to become a professional culture pundit/maven/commentator/illuminator. I WANT that job title. It brings me such joy. In due time, in due time... Just have to continue doing what I am doing and eventually it'll come around.

Big love
S

Thomas said...

life is about twists and turns..ups and downs. this sounds like a twist and turn.

i wish you much success.