Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Retreat from Myself

Some days, you feel like you are holding the reigns and guiding things along. Today was not one of those days. Who really cares about details, grant/program rejections, grade results etc?

I woke up this morning with that feeling that your mind is on fastforward but your eyes are registering everything normally. It feels like someone is yelling in your head, blasting a soundtrack quickly through your head. It's as if the day should end in five minutes, and you should just stop and go back to sleep.

So this is going to be bloggy- ugh- sorry folks. Lately, I've wanted to take a retreat: stop everything and evaluate the stuff in my life. What do I want? Who do I want? Where should my family be? How should I dress? Can I be super organized? Will I write a book?

As an art history student, and just an aesthetic person, I feel that besides personality and expression, style is the best way to express your identity. I feel like you need to renew yourself- life is about constant change, constant flux... seems to be the only thing that is constant in this existence. Although I enjoy my paint stained pants, and memories get attached to them, there comes a point where I should say goodbye and fins something that looks better, fits better. Am I becoming fickle? I don't really know, but I am becoming increasingly conscious of my appearance and what it communicates to others. In one glance, there's only so much you can say in silence. Why don't things depend more on the get-to-know-you part? Or is that first glance electric no matter? Perhaps if you base yourself on looks, you'll attract the moths to your light... only its the wrong light.

I just need some peace right now. To reconstruct all that's falling apart, seeing ruin and sensing an impending fall. Not a good feeling. So I am going to write, and write some more. Let things flow out and go to sleep, hoping tomorrow classical music will play at a nice, regular pace

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