Sleepless Night

Sometimes you just don't want to shut your eyes and let the world fall away before you've had a chance to make sense of it all. When lover's words fall short without a listening ear. When the moon is full and staring through your window. Your body just won't let you fall into the cushions of your bed, sinking always deeper into that land of sleep, of dreams, of forgetting, of losing reality.

I can't even begin to explain how useless it all feels. The structured minutes allow me to forget that I exist for only so long. I'd love for you to come and sit by me sucking the juices of the minutes we share, to really taste their essence. Before you really spend time with me your hugs feel empty, as if we've never really touched. And suddenly I feel like I don't even know you if our hands don't even feel each other's warmth, or know the feeling of being together and being united.

Down hallways dark and dank I wandered searching for a better meaning looking for more fulfilled contact; all i found was a smokey room where lazy eyes lay, darting. The wet sound of leather echoed through the room as I sat down and waited. Here, I thought, I would catch something truly great. Here I would see that it was all worth it. But soon enough I learned the ways of those with lazy eyes, I became the owner of those very eyes and I knew I had to escape.

There aren't any constants

I've not done math in a long time, but it doesn't take a fool to realize that there are too many variables in my life. Too much to solve for and I am left staring at the board, mouth agape, not knowing where to start. Twirling the chalk in between my fingers. There is too much silence in the room, there is so much blackness. I pick up the phone and there isn't the expected dial tone. Hello? And it just echoes out into space. So this is the substance of loneliness, solid words with no heartbeats and echoing voices.

Staying on track is the important thing, remain on the rails, skate right along it before the train. Just glide.

Welcome Chaos

So I've arrived at Harvard for year two and, against my expectations, it's overwhelming. It may be the new room with the huge windows that makes me feel like I'm in a display case, or it may be the dramatic rise in the number of people aged 18-24 that I see on a daily basis. Yet it could just be that summer is over and the car I'm driving has left the seaside and gone straight for the mad break-neck traffic of the city. Just need to speed up.

While trying to get courses together, find a job, seek out fun extra-curriculars and stay in touch with friends, Cambridge burgeons with energy simply because of the sheer number of students around. Working in Cambridge this summer was fun but there was a select group of people that I saw every day and a set path to and from work. Within the first two days of arriving at Harvard for school, I've been all around town: shopping for little odds and ends, talking to professors, tracking down friends and trying to find some peace of mind. Throw in a little yoga and life should be just fine.

Eyes

At least five times this summer, I have witnessed that primitive, below the belt exciting, vulgar act of males towards females. Whoa, hold on, hear me out. It's simply a woman walking down the street and a small group of men following her with their eyes, like a rotating tripodded camera, and linger while she walks away. Is it really that exciting? To gawk at another? To lust after someone else in vain?
Eyes have always been dangerous organs. When two pairs lock, wild things can happen. At the same time, when coupled with curiosity, eyes can show you the world in all its forms. It's because I was observant that I saw these tripod men (oh my, I just realized that has unintended meaning...) follow women with their heads. Does it assert their masculinity? Their heterosexuality?
I'd rather make meaningful contact with people, play the game of getting to know someone, or trying to pursue them. Not just stare at them while they walk away, both demeaning them and elevating them.
Maybe I am being to harsh. People are allowed to admire beauty and be knocked off guard by someone walking by. There simply was something routine in what I witnessed, the men who stopped their work and let their eyes scan up and down and follow... follow as she walks away.