rewind

Christmas tree corpses
sending up stench of pine
green needles of blood
trailing the sidewalk

child of the orange
curled up in warm glow
pressed against mother and father

it's cold outside
that's why my eyes tear
the sun shines brightly warm
i have no cried in six months

my ribs can't stop
my chest from collapsing
i've got that feeling

instantaneous connections
has my heart racing
wanting it NOW
within seconds
fulfillment

I can't breathe nearly enough
to still my heart
the trust and confidence of oxygen
simply will not suffice

can you see, my naked body
as a symbol of confidence
naturalness
not an object
not a desire?

I slink back from the rigid
circular border of the spotlight
needing your hand
finding none
stepping back to darkness
---

when did I start caring so much about what YOU think?
I used to run around the square naked, draped in my pride
Did I slolwly learn what it was you wanted?
Did I step in front of the mirror that reflected all that, on the surface, I wasn't?
Something happened.

Now I don't dare take a step
without thinking of its next of kin
My heart's beat slows
My pulse fades into my skin
I start wearing my worst clothes, relying on you
to tred on those vestments
stain them so they will be a la mode

my blood grew so cold
it began to stop and shock my system
I could not breathe enough oxygen
my ribs could not hold up my chest
destruction seemed eminent

i grow weary when the air starts to congeal
my footsteps feel stale
i've built corridors of routine and regularity
i need to find the boy i left behind
and introduce him to the man I want to be

stop leaning and stand firmly still