driveby shooting

if you yell at me
from your car window
please enunciate

You see

I’m positive

Positively certain you’ve already started

Started making circles,

checkmarks,

drawings

of my insides, sketching in the heart

charting the column of bones

But can you see what type of flowers bloom crimson in my veins?

Have you tasted

the water that fills my iris,

or can you only see your own reflection?

rewind

Christmas tree corpses
sending up stench of pine
green needles of blood
trailing the sidewalk

child of the orange
curled up in warm glow
pressed against mother and father

it's cold outside
that's why my eyes tear
the sun shines brightly warm
i have no cried in six months

my ribs can't stop
my chest from collapsing
i've got that feeling

instantaneous connections
has my heart racing
wanting it NOW
within seconds
fulfillment

I can't breathe nearly enough
to still my heart
the trust and confidence of oxygen
simply will not suffice

can you see, my naked body
as a symbol of confidence
naturalness
not an object
not a desire?

I slink back from the rigid
circular border of the spotlight
needing your hand
finding none
stepping back to darkness
---

when did I start caring so much about what YOU think?
I used to run around the square naked, draped in my pride
Did I slolwly learn what it was you wanted?
Did I step in front of the mirror that reflected all that, on the surface, I wasn't?
Something happened.

Now I don't dare take a step
without thinking of its next of kin
My heart's beat slows
My pulse fades into my skin
I start wearing my worst clothes, relying on you
to tred on those vestments
stain them so they will be a la mode

my blood grew so cold
it began to stop and shock my system
I could not breathe enough oxygen
my ribs could not hold up my chest
destruction seemed eminent

i grow weary when the air starts to congeal
my footsteps feel stale
i've built corridors of routine and regularity
i need to find the boy i left behind
and introduce him to the man I want to be

stop leaning and stand firmly still

Stefan vs. Stefan

There is something unsettling about living a life that has no true forseeable goal, that isn't wonderfully structured. Such is life at university. At this point, it feels like courses are just a grab bag of academic must-knows, groping in the darkness towards that senior thesis.

I deal really well with structure and goals, but would also love to get on a plane with nothing but a ticket and the clothes on my back. There is something about the freedom of travel that appeals to my spirit: learning about another place and yourself simultaneously while, at the same time, no one has a preconceived notion of who you are. Embracing that sort of freedom appeals to me greatly: letting it all just happen, freely, wholly, awfully and wonderfully. It is being able to say "Whatever" and believing it for once.

The plan is to integrate structure into the non-structure, to take life by the reigns and ride it like a cowboy. Knowing that his mother is close behind him, looking every now and then as he ventures forth, the little two year old will explore more freely. Life keeps slapping me with the lesson that it is not straighforward. You are not wholly chaotic or wholly structured, at least I am not. If I have a foundation of structure and goals, I will be able to venture forth, confident and resilient. I will have my homebase. I know that I can't just pick up and go, I keep telling others that taking a year off would result in my never being able to come back. But I think I probably wouldn't be happy in that case either. I need to work within some sort of structure and then be able to just let go... It's all a matter of demystifying and believing.